The Sexual Abuse Act 2021


An Act to make exceptions for police constables to abuse their position of trust for sexual gratification.  This Act extends beyond consensual sexual contact to sexual abuse and rape including other police officers, civilians and inanimate objects as the constable sees fit.

(1) A constable may exercise the power conferred by this section—

(a) for any sexual gratification when acting in the duty of a constable or;

(b) by using the knowledge of being a constable including after retirement, dismissal or in the make believe role of police staff namely PCSO.

(2) Subject to subsection (3) below —

(a) a constable may —

(i) collect intimate images of children of any age for their sick pleasure;
(ii) use his truncheon for sexual pleasure rather that for the intended use of beating innocent victims;
(iii) abuse GDPR to contact victims of sexual crimes to pretend to be concerned to get their end;
(iv) touch or otherwise caress others for their own pleasure;
(v) use the excuse of a strip search to touch the anus of victims in custody


Constables are prohibited from any sexual encounters while acting in the execution of police constables except where it is expressly permitted by sections (5),(6), (7) & (69). 

The Act which prevents the sexual act from being enacted is protected by the Act represented by the Any Ways and Means Act 2021.  This Act is also enacted by protection of the other Act but only when this Act is illegible or legible (or neither, or both) to members of the public and furthermore, any misinterpretation of this Act (or the other Act) or both Acts revokes any protection afforded to the victim by this Act.


(3) constables, under allegation of a sexual offence not protected by this Act must, unless expressly advised by a ‘go to’ police defence barrister, must select one of the following excuses to mitigate their conduct.  Only then will the judiciary mitigate their offence and ensure their sentence is a suspended sentence or elevated to community service of 1 hour in Greggs or a doughnut shop.

(a) defence(s) available to defendants are (but not limited to);

(i) I was abused as a child or
(ii) I was drunk, or
(iii) I have now diminished responsibility, or
(iv) I have a small penis, or
(v) my penis is shaped like a cola bottle; or
(vi) I was bullied at school due to (iv);
(vii) while (ii), I had (iii) and due to (iv) and (v) I exercised my rights;
(viii) I am a police constable or
(ix) I am (viii) and (iv) that is (v) and therefore cannot get it anywhere else.

(4) Professional standards have an obligation to defend all police officers contravening the Sexual Abuse Act 2021 until such a time as it appears they are defending a sexual predator, then,

(a) PSD must optionally;

(i) state the force will learn from their mistakes; or
(ii) give words of advice; or
(iii) refer themselves to themselves for themselves to investigate themselves; or
(iv) dismiss the constable on a full pension; and
(v) tarnish the reputation of the victim to assist future breaches of the Act


 This section is classified until the year 2199 or until pigs can fly (which ever is the latter).  In any event protected by The Any Ways and Means Act 2021


 We investigated ourselves and found we did nothing wrong.


Nothing to see here, move on now.



The Sexual Abuse Act 2021 was introduced on Friday, 14th May 2021.

The Act did not get Royal assent although Prince Andrew sought approval which was granted by Sir Jimmy Saville


Please feel free to comment below, suggestions for revisions to this Act are encouraged 

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